My mother starts her chemo and radiation tomorrow. I went to see her yesterday so she could see the kids before treatment starts and to bring her some healthy foods that she will have at the ready. When I said goodbye to her today, my heart was heavy and my jaw felt like it was weighed down with lead.
I have never really been a religious person, though my husband’s family is, with his grandfather having been a well-known imam. Religion has been a part of his life since he was born. Mine was off and on, but mostly off. I have tried to find my place for many years. I waited and waited for the “light” to go on in my soul, to feel an awakening that is my belief in God. I have always been a spiritual person, don’t get me wrong. I have always felt my grandparents with me since they passed, my grandmother walking alongside me, giving me strength to handle tough situations.
When my mom got sick, though, I imagined my grandparents being crushed. They would have been heartbroken, and I haven’t felt them with me. I also started to question God, that if there is one, where is God now and why is my mom of all people the one with stage four brain cancer? She is such an amazing woman who has fought for years for her position alongside the CEOs and executives that were all or mostly men. She has given back and helped charitable foundations, both on the boards and by delivering food by hand to the needy.
How could something so awful happen to someone like my mother?
They say, “Happiness comes when you stop complaining about what you don’t have,
and say thanks to God for what we do have.”
I feel as though my family was tested when my dad almost died in May, having complications with his rheumatoid arthritis. That was scary. He spent a week in the hospital and then was sent home with instructions but otherwise a good future ahead of him. We were just getting over this when my mom started showing signs of being confused and having a headache that just wouldn’t go away. She was supposed to just retire and finally enjoy her life with my dad, visiting friends, the grandkids and seeing places they’ve never been.
So if there is a God, why is this happening?
I’m not sure how if I can reconcile those feelings at this moment, but as we start this journey with my mom through her brain cancer, I do feel God with me. Whew. I said it. I’ve honestly never truly felt that before. I wanted to, definitely, but I just wasn’t sure. I know now, as I look at my family, my kids and my blessings, that I am not alone.
What about you? Do you walk with God or do you have doubts? I would love to hear as it took me a long, long time to get to this place, purely on my own, where I am comfortable.