It’s been 3 years since I lost my mother on October 26, after the leaves of New England’s autumn had peaked and she was able to say goodbye to her most beloved. I pick apart that time in my head and I know that I KNEW she was slipping away but I refused to believe it….
The last 2 years I’ve struggled with Mother’s day. This is my third one without Mom, who passed away from a glioblastoma multiforme brain tumor in October 2014. The last two years I struggled because my kids were so excited to celebrate Mother’s day and give me gifts and show me love, but I felt so sad and heartbroken not having my own mother with me to do the same. Being motherless and also a mother is so hard to balance….
It’s happening. I can feel it. I am moving on with my life and leaving my grief behind. Has this happened to you before? I pray that you have not felt deep grief but if you have, do you know this stage? It is so bittersweet and very confusing. It feels good to feel happiness again but I feel so much guilt for moving on. It seems like while leaving my grief behind I also am leaving my parents behind….
In honor of my mom, who passed away two years ago today, I am re-posting these rules for life. My mom was an amazing woman – generous, giving, thoughtful and fierce. She just went through life head first, always appreciating what she had and always striving for future goals….
I have been so sad for such a long time. I miss my parents so much and there is a hole in my heart that will never heal because of their passing. I feel guilty being happy but I know that’s what they would want. They enjoyed their family more than anything in this world and that’s what I need to continue doing.
Grieving is always complicated, never easy and tidy. But sometimes there are factors that can make your grief more complicated. In my case, complicated grief is a result of the extended length of time of loss and grieving and the relationships of those losses.
There’s that saying to someone going through a hard time, “Things will get better.” I hate that. It makes me feel like things will get better because I will move on and forget about my grief and my loved ones. It makes me feel like my loved ones will become a part of my past and I won’t think of them as much.
Grief has moved in and I feel like she will never leave. She wasn’t bothering me for awhile but I knew it was just a matter of time. I was just numb against her and couldn’t feel the pain.
My parents are dead. They are gone. Both of them. How in the world is it possible to lose both parents in the space of 10 months? I just don’t get it.
Where Do I Go From Here?
People say God has a plan, but I am really confused right now. How could God have a plan that includes both my parents perishing at such a young age. They didn’t even get to enjoy retirement. Their grandkids will grow up without them attending their recitals, sports games and holidays.
My kids have to grow up with the memories that I tell them about. They have to trust me when I tell them what a warrior their Nana was, how amazing and generous and giving she was, not even telling her family the prognosis of her glioblastoma multiforme brain tumor until the very end because she didn’t want us to worry and she wanted to enjoy the time she had with us.
Being without my mother makes me feel like that dream where you go to school naked. Everyday I wake up and remember she is gone and I feel naked. Lost….