It’s happening. I can feel it. I am moving on with my life and leaving my grief behind. Has this happened to you before? I pray that you have not felt deep grief but if you have, do you know this stage? It is so bittersweet and very confusing. It feels good to feel happiness again but I feel so much guilt for moving on. It seems like while leaving my grief behind I also am leaving my parents behind.
Moving On After Grieving without Guilt
I heard this song the other day that 3 years ago my family danced to at our family reunion. I can remember dancing to this song and feeling SO happy because we thought my mom was going to be okay. We were on top of the world that weekend.
But I don’t think I’ve felt so happy since that day. The week after that family reunion we found out my mom’s glioblastoma brain tumor was back and worse than before. It never got better.
A few days ago I was driving in my car and this song came on. Normally when I hear this song I feel pain in my heart. Like real, physical pain as if someone is literally stabbing me in the chest. I feel all that I have lost. All that my children have lost because both of my parents died within 9 months of each other. I think how on earth did this possibly happen? I just can’t fathom it.
But the other day when I heard this song, I felt different. I felt happy. I knew I did because it’s a feeling I haven’t truly felt in a very long time. Of course my kids make me happy, but it’s different. They make me happy but my heart stays sad.
This time when I heard the song I realized I have joy in my heart, but it makes me feel weird and guilty at the same time. How do I move on and life my life I am meant to have without feeling so sad about it?
It’s about learning to live a full and happy life even as you miss and long for what you have lost. It’s about remembering and honoring the one you loved while also embracing the beauty and fullness of the life you still get to live.
– Emily Long, LPC at GoodTherapy.org
The Fear of Letting Go
I love listening to the podcasts from What’s Your Grief – these women are warm, compassionate and very helpful. They say about the fear of letting go to embrace the idea that as pain diminishes, you may actually find more space to continue bonds and to keep your loved one’s memory alive. They say that it is common to feel conflicted about feeling better and feeling like yourself again. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling. I feel so guilty about moving on with my life, feeling happy with my family, and it makes me feel like I am leaving my parents behind. But in reality, I am making space to keep their memory alive. I am making it possible to live the way they would want me to live.
Where are you in your grief process? If you know someone with or lost someone to glioblastoma multiforme brain tumor, make sure to check out my resources and other posts.