Ok, I don’t HATE Mother’s Day, but I am consciously avoiding it. Aside from my kids making me gifts, I am blocking it out. This first year without my mother is going to be the hardest thing aside from actually losing her to begin with.
I think at this point I am in the avoidance phase of grieving. I am avoiding the fact that my mother is gone. It’s just easier. Exhausting, but easier.
Gone are the days of me wanting to zone out in front of the tv late at night to avoid sleep. Gone are the days when the grief kept me awake at night, reaching up and grabbing me by the throat, it’s hands rough and hot, squeezing the breath out of my body, leaving me helpless and collapsed on the floor.
Gone are the days that I felt so angry I screamed at the top of my lungs in my car. Or at the people driving around me. Just to have someone to scream at.
These days were agony, and I am sure my family suffered. But now I feel loneliness. Lonely for moving on without my mom. Lonely for having a life without her, unable to share my joyous events with her. Lonely for my best friend I used to talk to so many times each day.
From what I have heard from others, this loneliness will never leave me. This is what I get for losing my mom.