It’s been 3 years since I lost my mother on October 26, after the leaves of New England’s autumn had peaked and she was able to say goodbye to her most beloved. I pick apart that time in my head and I know that I KNEW she was slipping away but I refused to believe it.
Nothing Compares to Her, My Hero
It’s been so lonely without her here…sort of like that Sinead O’Connor song. I know it’s written for a lover but I keep hearing it in my head when I think of my mom. When you are grieving someone, the time doesn’t really make a difference, does it? It just is a timeline for the last time that you held their hand, touched their hair or heard their voice.
Although, in my mom’s case, it was long before the day she passed that I heard her voice. In fact, I think it may have been the day she called to make sure I knew what the doctor was explaining at the appointment that day when he said there was nothing else they could do except make her comfortable. I wasn’t able to make it that day and they patched me in via facetime. I had to turn it off at the end because I couldn’t keep myself from losing it. I think that moment in itself was single-handedly the worst part of my mom’s sickness, besides the moment she physically slipped away from me in my arms.
No! There must be something we can do. You are the doctor! I wanted to scream, grab his throat through the phone and shake him. I wanted him to understand that this was MY mother. She was a warrior and she could not lose to this monster that is glioblastoma multiforme. It’s such an asshole.
Yes, I feel support every day from my family and friends, but they are not my mother. I also realize that some have not had the opportunity to grow up with a great mom or any mom. But I did. I knew her and learned from her and wanted my kids to do the same. I know what I am missing and for that my heart will permanently be seared.
I know my mom is with me every day. I can hear her whispers to me when I am anxious. She says to me that I am HER daughter and that I can do this. Just breathe. I hear it all the time when the wind blows, when the leaves fall or a butterfly flies past me. Just breathe.
Yesterday I was helping to clean up at girl scouts after my daughter carved a pumpkin. I was grabbing a towel and there on the counter was a covered plate with a note on it for Joanne F. That was my mom! I knew in that moment she was there.