Grief is Mean and Scary.

Grief has moved in and I feel like she will never leave. She wasn’t bothering me for awhile but I knew it was just a matter of time. I was just numb against her and couldn’t feel the pain.

And then, one day not long ago, she did come back. She brought all of her things so that my house is cramped and claustrophobic. I don’t like grief. I don’t like how she is so messy and scary. She makes me hurt so much from the bruises and I can’t see when she is in a rage.

Grief brings humility as a housewarming gift and doesn’t care whether you want it or not.
– John Pavlovitz

Now I understand others who have had grief stay at their house. I understand in a way that I never did before. I am compassionate because I don’t know what’s going on in a person’s house just by looking at their face. Under their clothes may be bruises, cuts and scrapes that grief has inflicted and that changed their plans forever.

If you haven’t met grief then you really have no idea how awful she is. You haven’t experienced how she clings to you and doesn’t let you go but for a quick walk then she’s waiting at the door. You probably wonder what is so bad – she looks okay in the doorway?

It’s just that you don’t know how bad she really is. Inside the house when the curtains are closed and doors locked she wreaks havoc, a tornado of pain and sorrow. She chases me through the house, knocking down furniture and breaking things. She throws things at me and knocks me down. She stands over me with her hands above my heart, pummeling and stabbing.

Breathe.

Can you hear it? Do you hear my screams? Just hug me. Tell me I will be okay. Remind me that I was so lucky to have had such amazing parents that I feel this much pain missing them. Grief is here to stay but you can remind me I am not alone. Help me find the strength to put grief in the basement so that one day I might just open the door and let in the light.